When People Change . . . When It Is You

I saw this on Facebook this morning, and it has stuck with me all day.

The thing that has been on my mind is how much it hurts when it is you who has changed. Due to so much that has happened in the last year, I have changed. I do not like who I have become. I want to be the old me or a better version of the old me. Instead, I'm worse. This might be due to grief or autoimmune disease or both.

Last night, I saw that Joel Olsteen Ministries posted this on Facebook.
"God is not as concerned about our comfort as He is our purpose. We don’t always understand why things happen to us, but here’s the key: sometimes God will let us be uncomfortable now so He can bless us later on, so He can take us to a new level of our destiny."

I do not understand why everything has happened. I hate what it has done to me, how it has changed me. I always thought I would handle grief better, but it is like I haven't had control of my own actions and thoughts, no matter how hard I have tried.

God has not had me go through all that I have for me to fall a part or be a bad example/model. I just keep holding onto faith and prayer that things will get better. I just have to be patient and have faith.

Things I've Learned or Remembered in the Last Year

I love my yard right after it is mowed. Doesn't matter if I did it, a friend, or the brother of a friend. It is clean, and short, and nice.

I renewed my love of old westerns with the INSP channel. I have always loved Rifleman, Bonanza, and Big Valley, but now I love The Virginian. There were some good looking cowboy actors. They fall into the same category of good looking as George W. Bush. :-)

No matter the depth of your grief or loss, grass keeps growing, bodies still need nourishment, dishes and laundry still need to be washed, dust still needs to be controlled, groceries still have to be bought, bills still need to be paid, and life around you still goes on.

Losing someone impacts everyone differently. For some, it completely changes morning, afternoon, and evening routines.

A year that involves grief, loss, and diagnosis of Celiac, Hashimoto's, and Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome truly is life changing, especially when your body is crashing (a post for another day).

Chiggers and mosquitoes still love me, and I still strongly dislike them. They make enjoying spring, summer, and fall quite difficult.

When you have staples in your head, it is not the best idea to mow, move broken branches, or place yourself in the middle of a fight between two middle schoolers in the cafeteria at lunch.

God places people in your path to prepare you for the changes and experiences He has for you. He began making these arrangements many years ago, and I am so grateful. I have absolutely amazing family, friends, and co-workers.

It is possible to live through a year in deep brain fog. Yes, that is such a thing; some due to grief and loss, other due to autoimmune disease. Again, a post for another day.

When someone offers to prepare a meal for you or take you to eat, say, "Yes." You'll be hungry later and won't want to get up to cook or even reheat food.

While it is hard to lean on others, do it. God placed them before you b/c He knows what you need.

When someone tells you to rest, take it easy, or delegate, do it. It may hurt to let go or step back, but it is for the best. 

Relationships change.

I probably should have taken more time off this last year.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle. He pushes us, and at times, he forces change to make us change. Sometimes that is hard to accept. They say things like this happen because better things are to come. I pray they are.

Each of us carries a light within. Sometimes, that light is so dim, flickering, and unbelievably close to going out. Keep the faith. That little light will shine brightly again one day. "This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine."

I am not the same person I was over a year ago. I don't know that I'll ever be the old me. Our experiences shape who we become. At this point, I don't like who I am. My goal in the next year is to find bits and pieces of the old me and create a new me. With God's help, I pray I become a better person.

Happy New Year's Eve!

Happy New Year's Eve!

How do you spend the last day of the year?

I am not a partier.  I am normally home, watching movies or one of the shows showing celebrations around the country, and snacking.  When I was little, I would spend the night with my paternal great grandmother and we would watch the ball drop.  Other than staying with her, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I was not at my own house relaxing on New Year's Eve.  Tonight, I know I won't make it until midnight.

How do you feel about ending the year and starting a new one?

Many people look at it as ending one chapter and starting another or wiping the slate clean to begin anew. I don't see it that way.  Maybe it is because I am in education, and our year runs August to August instead of January to December.  I can't just wipe the slate clean and start anew when I am in the middle of a professional year.

Sometimes, I just want to ignore the idea of ending and beginning and just think of it as another day.  I don't set goals or create resolutions, so really the day is just like any other.  Looking back can be sad or joyous, depending on the year.  Looking ahead can be scary because of the unknown.

One of my BFFs posted the following:

I really struggle with this, so this is a verse I plan to revisit this year.  I have faith and believe in God.  He is in control, and all things happen through Him.  He knows His plan for me (and family members), and I need to let go of my plans and let His prevail.

This goes back to what I wrote earlier in this post.  I guess my professional book begins each August, but my personal book can begin each January 1st.  I wonder what God has in store for me this year.

Love of Nature

Before church:
No matter how difficult life is, how lost, sad, or hurt I may be, or how out of control life seems, watching the cotton tails, birds, and squirrels out my back door in the mornings is calming and reassuring of God's greatness.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  At times, that is hard to remember, but God has a plan for everyone, all the time, through all situations, no matter how much they hurt at the time.

A little peek out the door observing His greatness helps ground me and remind me that He is in control, and I must take deep breaths and trust.  I trust God.  It is the humans I do not.

After church:
We heard the story of Isaac & Rebecca and the birth of their sons.  Isaac & Rebecca had such faith and always went to God in prayer. I really enjoyed the sermon, but it makes me ask:

How does God meet the needs of two people involved in the same situation, with the situation taking the two people in completely different directions, leaving a massive hole in one's life, and yet be working for something even greater and more miraculous for both people? What if the situation is being driven by human decision and not God's?

I'm not really asking that right or what I mean.  Most will look at my question and be able to give a matter of fact answer, but what I am needing to know is so much deeper and more involved.  The only thing I can come up with is: Have faith.  Believe. Be patient. Continue to pray.

For now . . . that is all I can do.
 

Good Friday

This morning, when emailing my BFFs, I wrote, "Happy Good Friday!"  That is kind of weird.  It is an amazing thing what happened so long ago.  Jesus dying on the cross for us is, in a sense, a good thing. What Jesus went through that day is horrible.

Can you imagine what happened and what it must have been like?  Jesus being treated like that, having to carry His own cross, being whipped, wearing the crown of thorns, being nailed to the cross, and then hanging from the cross?  The pain?

I started thinking . . . nothing I ever feel or go through will be like what He endured that day.  I need to keep that in mind when I am down and low.

I am so grateful for Jesus for dying on the cross for us!

Moving Forward, But How?

Today's church sermon was on Luke 9: 51-62.

From NIV:

Samaritan Opposition

⁵¹ As the time approached for him to be taken up to heaven, Jesus resolutely set out for Jerusalem. ⁵² And he sent messengers on ahead, who went into a Samaritan village to get things ready for him; ⁵³ but the people there did not welcome him, because he was heading for Jerusalem. ⁵⁴ When the disciples James and John saw this, they asked, “Lord, do you want us to call fire down from heaven to destroy them^[a]?” ⁵⁵ But Jesus turned and rebuked them. ⁵⁶ Then he and his disciples went to another village.

The Cost of Following Jesus

⁵⁷ As they were walking along the road, a man said to him, “I will follow you wherever you go.”
⁵⁸ Jesus replied, “Foxes have dens and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.”
⁵⁹ He said to another man, “Follow me.”
But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.”
⁶⁰ Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”
⁶¹ Still another said, “I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say goodbye to my family.”
⁶² Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”


Two things jumped out at me during the service.
1. "If you are looking backward, you can't move forward."
2. Are you willing to give up these same things to follow Jesus?

Let's look at each of these. However, I want to discuss 2 first.
2. Our Pastor was honest and said she would have a hard time giving up the comfort of her bed, home, car, life to follow Jesus as He asked these followers.  For someone who had served in a church for 10 years, attended Seminary for 4.5 years, and has been serving in this church at least 3 years, she follows Jesus daily, but she is loves the creature comforts she has become accustomed to in her daily life. I am too.  If Jesus stood before me and said to give up all I have to follow Him, would I? I would want to say my good-byes to my family, bury my loved ones, etc. Would I be able to just walk away?  If I had to answer right now, my answer would be "no." I was Saved in 5th grade, Baptized in 8th grade, and I have believed in Jesus for as long as I can remember, since attending church as a tiny child.  I try hard to walk a Christian path, but I know I am not the best prayer, Bible studier, etc. I just try to be a Christian example to all those I can, and if I falter, I try harder next time. However, I don't know if I could just walk away to follow Him.

1. I can't even remember what exactly our Pastor was saying when I heard her say something really close to "If you are looking backward, you can't move forward." I certainly didn't hear what she said immediately after that either b/c these words hit me pretty hard. 
The next thing I remember her saying was that farmers who are tilling their land cannot look back at what they've done or they will not be able to plow in a straight line. The parishioner behind me seconded her comment. In order to do the job right, they must keep looking forward.
As you know through my blogging, processing, and moping the last 16 months, I have had a life altering change occur that was out of my control. It cut me deeply in a way I have never experienced, and I have had an extremely hard time processing and moving beyond it.  
While trying really hard to listen to all she had to say, I was also processing this idea. Then I thought . . . I am a traditionalist.  Traditions are extremely important to me, and family is huge to me.  I have amazing memories with my niece and nephew. I truly loved every moment spent with each of them the 9.5/11.5 years I saw them daily. Because of this, I think of all the experiences we are not having now, all the memories we are not making now, and how different their lives are. 

Then I think . . . God has plans for me.  God has to break me down to build me up. But . . . what does He have in store and when will it happen?  How long will this pain, anger, and fear continue?

When I look forward, it is the unknown when it comes to my relationship with my niece and nephew, finding a husband, having a family of my own, etc., dealing with the pain and fear I have.
Looking forward also means dealing with and taking responsibility for my ailing/aging mother.  I truly believe the end is closer than many think, and while I am readying myself for that, whenever the time comes, I am pretty much doing it alone.  I see her and care for her daily, and each day brings new realizations, concerns, and fears.

So . . . how do I quit looking back?  How do I truly move forward? How do I balance the past with the future?
For now . . . I will keep praying and processing. :-)

Road Rage and Faith

Yesterday, I led a Sunday School lesson on Road Rage and Faith.  I'm not sure how good a job I did, but there was some interesting information shared, and we had some good discussions.

I'm probably breaking copyright laws by sharing this, but I thought the information was good.

According to a study done by the AAA Foundation for Traffic Safety, "aggressive driving--including road rage--was a factor in 56% of fatal crashes. Speeding is the number-one contributing factor" and "involved in nearly one third of all deadly accidents."

"Distracted driving––driving while talking on the telephone or sending a text message, for example––accounted for 3,092 fatalities and over 400,000 injuries in 2010, according to Distraction.gov, the
official federal government website on distracted driving. Today, there are a myriad of possible distractions inside the vehicle: eating and drinking, talking to passengers, reading, personal grooming, using a GPS, watching a video, and adjusting the radio/CD/video player. Eleven percent of drivers under the age of 20 involved in fatal crashes were distracted at the time, the website indicates.
Sending or reading text messages, for example, takes a driver’s eyes off the road for an average of 4.6 seconds, or, at 55 miles per hour, the distance of a football field."

"According to a recent study by CareerBuilder.com that looked at the hazards of commuting, women are more likely to experience road rage than men. Sixty-one percent of the women surveyed had experienced road rage, while 56 percent of the men reported the same."

"The same survey found that age seems to be a factor in road rage. Not accounting for gender, the study found that 68 percent of respondents age 24–34 reported experiencing incidents of road rage, while only 47 percent of respondents 55 and older reported the same."

A few question the author asks are:

• How has aggressive driving or road rage affected you? 
• How have you responded to an incident of aggressive driving or road rage? 
• What, if anything, surprised you about the AAA Foundation report? 
• How often do you exceed the speed limit or engage in other aggressive driving behaviors?
• How has distracted driving affected you? 
• When did you last talk on your cell phone while driving? 
• Do you support a ban on cell phone use while driving in your state? Why or why not?"

The Scripture passages were: Psalm 86:15; Galatians 5:22-23; Ephesians 4:26, 31-32.
The author asks: "How does the Scripture reading speak to you about road rage and aggressive driving?"

Retrieved from Alsgaard, E. (October 28, 2012). Road Rage and Faith. FaithLink: Connecting Faith and Life, Volume 18, Number 26.

Girl Scout Sunday 2013

Today is Girl Scout Sunday, the Sunday before Girl Scout Birthday, which is March 12th, when Girl Scouts will turn 101.  Three of our girls spent the morning at First Presbyterian Church of Rockwall, not only attending service, but they were greeters and ushers during the service.

After the service, the girls delivered their Be Prepared, Girl Scout themed, bags to a few memebers of the church who need a little extra TLC.  While visiting the different rehab facilities, they looked at flowers to help earn the Flowers Badge.

God's Test

I truly believe that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  He pushes us to test us, and He knows how strong we are, so He pushes us right up to our limit or even a little further in order to strengthen us.

With that said, the last 12 months have been very difficult and exhausting.  I know God has a plan, but I just don't understand, and I am getting so tired.  I know!  I know!  I should not analyze and try to figure out His plan.  I should just follow it.  However, it is so hard.  Just today, yet another thing happened.  My mother fell and broke both bones at the ankle in her right leg. I hate to see her in pain, and we have to figure out how this will play out since she is Granny's caregiver.  It will get interesting this week.

I recently saw the following: "When you are down to nothing, God is up to something."
I am sure He is, but I have to stay in prayer for patience b/c I want Him to just get me there already.  :-) He has gotten me down to the lowest place I've ever been, so I know great things must be to come.  However, I also know that things could get a lot worse.  I just pray they don't.

I also saw this one: "When everything seems like it is falling a part, that's when God is putting things together just the way He wants it." I believe this.  I have to be patient and do as He wants in His time.  I am sure this all has something to do with my lack of patience. :-) Or . . . He is trying to get me back on track and onto the path He wants me to follow rather than the one I have been making the decisions about the last 20 years.

Finally, I saw this one: "When God puts you through trials, He breaks you down, but He always puts you back together stronger than before."  I truly believe this one too.  He needs me to give it all to Him, quit doing things my way and wanting to be in charge of everything, and allow Him to lead me.  I know God has a great future ahead of me.

What are your thoughts about tests from God?  The quotes I shared?