When People Change . . . When It Is You

I saw this on Facebook this morning, and it has stuck with me all day.

The thing that has been on my mind is how much it hurts when it is you who has changed. Due to so much that has happened in the last year, I have changed. I do not like who I have become. I want to be the old me or a better version of the old me. Instead, I'm worse. This might be due to grief or autoimmune disease or both.

Last night, I saw that Joel Olsteen Ministries posted this on Facebook.
"God is not as concerned about our comfort as He is our purpose. We don’t always understand why things happen to us, but here’s the key: sometimes God will let us be uncomfortable now so He can bless us later on, so He can take us to a new level of our destiny."

I do not understand why everything has happened. I hate what it has done to me, how it has changed me. I always thought I would handle grief better, but it is like I haven't had control of my own actions and thoughts, no matter how hard I have tried.

God has not had me go through all that I have for me to fall a part or be a bad example/model. I just keep holding onto faith and prayer that things will get better. I just have to be patient and have faith.

Things I've Learned or Remembered in the Last Year

I love my yard right after it is mowed. Doesn't matter if I did it, a friend, or the brother of a friend. It is clean, and short, and nice.

I renewed my love of old westerns with the INSP channel. I have always loved Rifleman, Bonanza, and Big Valley, but now I love The Virginian. There were some good looking cowboy actors. They fall into the same category of good looking as George W. Bush. :-)

No matter the depth of your grief or loss, grass keeps growing, bodies still need nourishment, dishes and laundry still need to be washed, dust still needs to be controlled, groceries still have to be bought, bills still need to be paid, and life around you still goes on.

Losing someone impacts everyone differently. For some, it completely changes morning, afternoon, and evening routines.

A year that involves grief, loss, and diagnosis of Celiac, Hashimoto's, and Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome truly is life changing, especially when your body is crashing (a post for another day).

Chiggers and mosquitoes still love me, and I still strongly dislike them. They make enjoying spring, summer, and fall quite difficult.

When you have staples in your head, it is not the best idea to mow, move broken branches, or place yourself in the middle of a fight between two middle schoolers in the cafeteria at lunch.

God places people in your path to prepare you for the changes and experiences He has for you. He began making these arrangements many years ago, and I am so grateful. I have absolutely amazing family, friends, and co-workers.

It is possible to live through a year in deep brain fog. Yes, that is such a thing; some due to grief and loss, other due to autoimmune disease. Again, a post for another day.

When someone offers to prepare a meal for you or take you to eat, say, "Yes." You'll be hungry later and won't want to get up to cook or even reheat food.

While it is hard to lean on others, do it. God placed them before you b/c He knows what you need.

When someone tells you to rest, take it easy, or delegate, do it. It may hurt to let go or step back, but it is for the best. 

Relationships change.

I probably should have taken more time off this last year.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle. He pushes us, and at times, he forces change to make us change. Sometimes that is hard to accept. They say things like this happen because better things are to come. I pray they are.

Each of us carries a light within. Sometimes, that light is so dim, flickering, and unbelievably close to going out. Keep the faith. That little light will shine brightly again one day. "This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine."

I am not the same person I was over a year ago. I don't know that I'll ever be the old me. Our experiences shape who we become. At this point, I don't like who I am. My goal in the next year is to find bits and pieces of the old me and create a new me. With God's help, I pray I become a better person.

One Year Ago, Saying Good-bye

One year ago, at 12:58 pm, Mom crossed over into Heaven, meeting God and reuniting with so many loved ones. Those minutes leading up to her last breath were the absolute hardest thing I've ever endured and completely change a person.

During those last hours on that final morning, we met with the hospital social worker to start discussing hospice. Through everything discussed with doctors and nurses, I thought we still at least had days or even weeks. Mom and God had other ideas. We chose a Hospice, and the representative was to arrive within the hour. A prayer warrior from Friendship Baptist Church in Mesquite (an outreach church grown from the one in Pleasant Grove where Mom and Dad were married and we have so many family ties) came and prayed over her with us. I will forever be grateful. It wasn't an hour later, and Mom went to Heaven.

Mom didn't like a fuss or to change everyone's plans. She knew what she was doing, no matter how hard it hurt (and still does). A dance recital, birthday, summer camps, and work were all on the schedule, and she hated messing with everyone's schedule. 

During her last days, she received 12 bags of platelets and 3 bags of blood. Over the last 10 years, she had multiple transfusions. If ever you can, be a blood and platelet donor. 

Thank you to everyone who has prayed with and for us over this last year. We greatly appreciate you and your care & support. Keep those prayers going. Grief has no time limit.

One Year Ago, The Day Before The End

One year ago today, my brother and I listened as the doctor spoke with compassion and honesty. Despite the news, I had no idea the next day would bring the result it did. Certainly not that soon.

I am so grateful Mom talked to my niece and nephew that afternoon/evening. She was doing well. She had a hard time talking as her mouth was so dry/like cotton, but she knew exactly what was going on around her and in all our lives at that moment. She asked them about their daily and upcoming activities. She got to hear their sweet voices and knew how much they loved her, and they got the same. Oh, how she loved her grandbabies.

One Year Ago Today . . . My Life Began to Change

One year ago today, I spent the morning boxing up my office to prepare it for summer, wrapping up 18 years in public education. I grabbed a drink on the way to my summer school meeting, attended the meeting, and dropped off a big box of books & supplies I planned to use the next two weeks. I then went home to check-on Mom. She hadn't been feeling well after starting her fight against cancer again. She wasn't worried about how she was feeling, but when I got home, I overroad her wants and took her to Presbyterian Rockwall. She still insisted she was fine and didn't need a fuss. While we waited in the ER, we joked around & challenged each other to see who could read the smallest letters/row on the eye chart. Neither of us was too worried. She had handled so much in years past, so this was just one more experience. The Drs ran test and finally decided they needed to send her to Presbyterian Dallas b/c it is larger and has more resources. B/c it was evening rush hour, they decided to send her via CareFlight. 

Once I arrived in Dallas, I began working on finding a sub for my summer school class. Thanks a ton, Denel Comley, for agreeing to sub for two days before your vacation. 

Once I got to see Mom and they got her settled in ICU, she still insisted she was fine. We joked about how unfair it was she got to ride in a helicopter. We have had a lot of shared experiences, but this was one she had without me.

She was doing fine. She was tired, but she had her wits about her, knew what was going on, and was getting the medical help she needed.

The following morning, she wanted to know why I wasn't teaching summer school. She hated when people changed their plans for her. She wasn't too happy when I told her I chose to be by her side rather than summer school. 

Even though we had no answers and had no idea the outcome was going to be what it was, later in the day, without her knowing, I worked out a plan with the two ladies on the summer school sub list to cover the rest of my summer school duties. I'm so grateful they could step in and work it out. I appreciate our summer school administrator, Lisa Perry's, understanding and flexibility.

The next few days moved quickly, yet slowly. I still did not believe they would end as they did. 

Loss and Banks

When opening a bank account or choosing a bank to use, people don't think about loss or what happens when somone on the account dies.

When Granny passed away, we had to go talk to five different banks.  They ranged from extremely friendly, compassionate, and helpful to extremely difficult and exhausting.  Actually, three were very helpful, one was fine/pretty helpful, and one was difficult and exhausting.  Mind you, Mom or I were on all the accounts/documents.  One or both of us could work with any and all banks.  However, one bank made things difficult.  Even though we were on the accounts and had the death certificate, we had to fill out a lot of paperwork, visit the bank various times, and it took a lot of time to get everything updated. It seems like there is a lot of red tape and rules that apply.

Now, with Mom gone, I have only shared the death certificate with two banks.  One, the same difficult one as before, b/c I need to deal with the mortgage.  Again, they did not want to talk to me, even with a death certificate.  Yes, I can access the checking account, but everything else has been difficult.  They have mailed me at least three separate sets of paperwork to complete and send back.  They already have the death certificate, but they want a lot more information that I am just not ready to handle. Oh, and they won't do anything else until I have Letters of Testimony, Executor, or Administration. None of which can I get without Probating the Will, which takes money I can't touch at said bank.  Crazy!  I'm glad the other bank accepted my word the first time and the death certificate the second time.  I was able to get what I needed.

Now, do not take any of this to think I have tons of money.  No, it is taking every cent I have. Granny assisted us when she was alive, and she is helping us again now. Loss takes a lot of money,  and if you can't access it, you are in trouble.  Take care of paperwork now so that you can handle business later.

Loss

I have talked about loss on here before, but this time, I want to talk about handling the death of a loved one.  Personally, I have lost all my great grandparents, grandparents, two great uncles, an uncle, my father, and now my mother.  I have seen and experienced loss.  Each one impacted me differently.  Some I dealt with fairly quickly, but others took months and even years to process.  One . . . I'm still processing and will for quite some time.

Granny passed away at home, and I was the one to follow the ambulance to the hospital to make final decisions, talk to the ME, and more. I had to take the lead on planning her funeral because Mom was in rehab with a broken ankle.  I assisted Mom with all the paperwork and important business b/c I was the Executer of the Will.

I learned a lot going through the process when Dad passed away--decisions we had to make, planning the funeral, buying cemetery plots for the family, and handling business afterward.  I learned even more when Granny passed away.  Even with all that experience, it was not enough to prepare me for Mom passing away and being the Executer of her Will.

Here are a few tips that might help you if you ever have to deal with the business left after a loved one passes away.

What should you do before you pass away to help your loved ones?

Write a Will
-My favorite line in Granny's Will said something about "If anyone questions the Will or decisions made, they will receive nothing."  That wasn't the exact wording, but it is close.
-Make sure the Executer of the Will or someone you trust knows where your Will is when time comes.
-Update your Will. Some write one when they are young or first married.  Time passes, things change, and Wills need to be updated.

Important Documents
-Bank Accounts, Safe Deposit Boxes/Keys, and other documents must be in a spot where the Executer of the Will or someone you trust can find them.
-Those planning the funeral will have to be able to get to money, so those accounts have to be available.
-Do you have insurance policies?  They need to know about these.

Funeral
-Plan your funeral and leave those plans where your loved ones can find them.
-Who do you want to officiate?  Music? Location? Burial? Sermon? Scripture? Flowers?
-Funerals cost money. How will yours be paid for?

Money
-Loss costs money. Money for the funeral, bills, flowers, food, survival, and more.
-Where will this money come from when you are gone and your loved ones are trying to plan and more forward?
-With a loss, families go from two paychecks to one. Some lose the one making the money. How will they move forward?

Automobiles and Mortgages
-Did you know you can pay monthly for a policy that when you pass away, these items are payed off? -Look into it.  How are your loved ones going to pay for automobiles or pay the mortgage?

Accounts
-If you are single, you have to put someone on your accounts.  They have to be able to handle your business when you are gone.

Property
-Houses and property have upkeep. Who will help cut grass, trim trees and shrubs, and more?

Probate
-I don't know the law in every state, but in mine, you have to Probate the Will and have specific documents to move forward with business. This cannot start until 30 days after death, and the process then takes 60 days.
-What money is available during this time?
-Probate is costly.


How can you help someone who has lost a loved one?
My friends, family, and co-worers have been amazing.  I receive phone calls, texts, and emails daily from at least one person just checking on me. My BFF has invited me over for Father's Day and Independence Day, two days I would have been home alone.

Set your calendar to check on your friend or loved one every week, two weeks, or month.  
-They need support after the funeral. More than a week or month after the loss.  It is on-going.
-Invite them to lunch or dinner.
-Don't forget about them, especially if they are now alone.

Do not go to those trying to survive asking questions about the Will, items you want, or about inheritance.  
-Those dealing with loss are not in the mindset to deal with what you want.  You must give them time, and a week or month is not nearly enough time. Period. They are doing the best they can to survive.
-Be respectful of their feelings and time needed.

Don't forget them. 
-Sometimes, when someone loses a loved one, they continue to have family around and loved ones to fill their days.  Other times, the loss leaves them alone.  Don't let them be alone.

Just show up.
-Not sure how to help?  They keep telling you they are fine?  Just show up.
Go cut the grass, weed eat, or trim trees.
-Take them a meal.
-Go over and offer to dust or do laundry.
-Drop off a gift card for food, groceries, or gas.
-Go over and sit and talk.

I'm sure, once I post this, I will think of several more things.  Each day is a new learning experience.  What company will call?  With what doctor did she have an appointment?  Be patient with yourself.  Work at your pace. Don't make any major decisions for a year.

Good-bye, Mom!

Today, we celebrated Mom's life with a nice funeral and graveside service.

Sickness, Decisions, and Good-bye

On Tuesday, I took Mom to the ER in a local town. What I didn't know at the time was that her Platelets and White Blood Cells were all but zero and her Red Blood Cells were almost that low.  The hospital couldn't care for her without a room in their ICU, so they CareFlighted her to the large hospital in another neighboring city.  She was doing fine, talking, etc.  They put her in ICU and gave her around 12 bags of Platelets and at least 2 bags of blood.  She was tired and sick, but she was fighting and hanging on.

On Wednesday, she was weak, but she was still mentally fine, talking when she could, and fighting. My brother came in, and we were on the same page with decisions.  However, we had absolutely no idea that time was running out.  We seriously thought we had months.  The doctors and nurses were amazing, caring, honest, and compassionate.

On Thursday, we were told that her numbers were not coming up and that her kidneys were failing.  Dialysis was not going to be an option.  Again, the doctors and nurses were wonderful.  Again, we didn't realize the time frame.  Mom talked to my niece and nephew--knowing exactly what they were doing, making perfect sense with her questions, etc.  The conversations sounded so normal and not anything like where we were headed.  When we left the hospital that night, they were moving her to a regular room to get some rest and would have Social Services meet with us on Friday.

On Friday morning, we talked with Mom. I could see her breathing was different.  We talked to Social Services and were lining up Hospice.  A prayer team from my Great Aunt's church came and prayed over her and with us.  After they left and before the Hospice nurse arrived, Mom passed away.

It happened so fast.  We thought we at least had a few days.  We had no idea we had minutes.
We had no idea it would happen like this. She went peacefully with my brother and I at her side talking to her.

We greatly appreciate your prayers during this time and for months to come.  I worry about my niece and nephew and them forgetting her.  Not having her there for all their big events.

Reading Nightly

I have been trying to practice what I preach and have added reading to my nightly (or almost nightly) routine.  In the last 3 weeks, I have read:

Landline by Rainbow Rowell
Beautiful Oblivion (#3 in the Maddox Brothers series) by Jamie McGuire
The Light Between Oceans by M.L. Stedman
The Right Woman by Linda Warren
Where She Went (sequel to If I Stay) by Gayle Forman

All are so different and impacted me in different ways and on different levels.

Honestly, I didn't like Landline very much.  I had LOVED Eleanor and Park, so I was excited to read something else by Rainbow Rowell, but I did not like this book.

I enjoyed Beautiful Oblivion.  It had been such a long time since I had read Beautiful Disaster that it took me halfway through the book to see how the two overlapped.  I was kicking myself, but I got it, and despite that, I really enjoyed it.

It took me several chapters to get into The Light Between Oceans.  I read a couple of chapters one night, then a few more the next, and even a few more the next.  I was probably about halfway through when I got into it and could not put it down.  It is a good "What would you do?" book.

I had The Right Woman tucked away on a shelf from when my aunt gave me several books years ago.  Since I was in between books, I grabbed it.  It wasn't as hard core as some Harlequin books out there, thank goodness.  A good mystery that kept me in the story.  Of course, I love a love story too.

I read If I Stay over the summer, and I didn't realize there was a sequel, Where She Went, until I finished it and saw a chapter for it included at the end.  I enjoyed If I Stay.  Good book.  I really liked Where She Went.  Many stories I have read deal with loss, meaning death.  This one did that to help Mia cope and to show us how she coped.  But . . . it also dealt with loss, meaning someone leaving and you having no choice in the matter.  That is what I have been dealing with, and it was great seeing someone else (even though he is a fictitious character) deal with this loss and to know everyone does it differently, and it is OK.  It is OK to handle it the way you do and that you do grieve.  Loss of any kind really calls for and should allow grieving even if those around you do not understand the pain and loss. I enjoyed this book.

I have several professional books I need to read or reread, but I just can't get into them like all these fiction books.  Well, I guess I better!

Happy reading!