One Year Ago, Saying Good-bye

One year ago, at 12:58 pm, Mom crossed over into Heaven, meeting God and reuniting with so many loved ones. Those minutes leading up to her last breath were the absolute hardest thing I've ever endured and completely change a person.

During those last hours on that final morning, we met with the hospital social worker to start discussing hospice. Through everything discussed with doctors and nurses, I thought we still at least had days or even weeks. Mom and God had other ideas. We chose a Hospice, and the representative was to arrive within the hour. A prayer warrior from Friendship Baptist Church in Mesquite (an outreach church grown from the one in Pleasant Grove where Mom and Dad were married and we have so many family ties) came and prayed over her with us. I will forever be grateful. It wasn't an hour later, and Mom went to Heaven.

Mom didn't like a fuss or to change everyone's plans. She knew what she was doing, no matter how hard it hurt (and still does). A dance recital, birthday, summer camps, and work were all on the schedule, and she hated messing with everyone's schedule. 

During her last days, she received 12 bags of platelets and 3 bags of blood. Over the last 10 years, she had multiple transfusions. If ever you can, be a blood and platelet donor. 

Thank you to everyone who has prayed with and for us over this last year. We greatly appreciate you and your care & support. Keep those prayers going. Grief has no time limit.

One Year Ago, The Day Before The End

One year ago today, my brother and I listened as the doctor spoke with compassion and honesty. Despite the news, I had no idea the next day would bring the result it did. Certainly not that soon.

I am so grateful Mom talked to my niece and nephew that afternoon/evening. She was doing well. She had a hard time talking as her mouth was so dry/like cotton, but she knew exactly what was going on around her and in all our lives at that moment. She asked them about their daily and upcoming activities. She got to hear their sweet voices and knew how much they loved her, and they got the same. Oh, how she loved her grandbabies.

One Year Ago Today . . . My Life Began to Change

One year ago today, I spent the morning boxing up my office to prepare it for summer, wrapping up 18 years in public education. I grabbed a drink on the way to my summer school meeting, attended the meeting, and dropped off a big box of books & supplies I planned to use the next two weeks. I then went home to check-on Mom. She hadn't been feeling well after starting her fight against cancer again. She wasn't worried about how she was feeling, but when I got home, I overroad her wants and took her to Presbyterian Rockwall. She still insisted she was fine and didn't need a fuss. While we waited in the ER, we joked around & challenged each other to see who could read the smallest letters/row on the eye chart. Neither of us was too worried. She had handled so much in years past, so this was just one more experience. The Drs ran test and finally decided they needed to send her to Presbyterian Dallas b/c it is larger and has more resources. B/c it was evening rush hour, they decided to send her via CareFlight. 

Once I arrived in Dallas, I began working on finding a sub for my summer school class. Thanks a ton, Denel Comley, for agreeing to sub for two days before your vacation. 

Once I got to see Mom and they got her settled in ICU, she still insisted she was fine. We joked about how unfair it was she got to ride in a helicopter. We have had a lot of shared experiences, but this was one she had without me.

She was doing fine. She was tired, but she had her wits about her, knew what was going on, and was getting the medical help she needed.

The following morning, she wanted to know why I wasn't teaching summer school. She hated when people changed their plans for her. She wasn't too happy when I told her I chose to be by her side rather than summer school. 

Even though we had no answers and had no idea the outcome was going to be what it was, later in the day, without her knowing, I worked out a plan with the two ladies on the summer school sub list to cover the rest of my summer school duties. I'm so grateful they could step in and work it out. I appreciate our summer school administrator, Lisa Perry's, understanding and flexibility.

The next few days moved quickly, yet slowly. I still did not believe they would end as they did. 

Good-bye, Mom!

Today, we celebrated Mom's life with a nice funeral and graveside service.

Sickness, Decisions, and Good-bye

On Tuesday, I took Mom to the ER in a local town. What I didn't know at the time was that her Platelets and White Blood Cells were all but zero and her Red Blood Cells were almost that low.  The hospital couldn't care for her without a room in their ICU, so they CareFlighted her to the large hospital in another neighboring city.  She was doing fine, talking, etc.  They put her in ICU and gave her around 12 bags of Platelets and at least 2 bags of blood.  She was tired and sick, but she was fighting and hanging on.

On Wednesday, she was weak, but she was still mentally fine, talking when she could, and fighting. My brother came in, and we were on the same page with decisions.  However, we had absolutely no idea that time was running out.  We seriously thought we had months.  The doctors and nurses were amazing, caring, honest, and compassionate.

On Thursday, we were told that her numbers were not coming up and that her kidneys were failing.  Dialysis was not going to be an option.  Again, the doctors and nurses were wonderful.  Again, we didn't realize the time frame.  Mom talked to my niece and nephew--knowing exactly what they were doing, making perfect sense with her questions, etc.  The conversations sounded so normal and not anything like where we were headed.  When we left the hospital that night, they were moving her to a regular room to get some rest and would have Social Services meet with us on Friday.

On Friday morning, we talked with Mom. I could see her breathing was different.  We talked to Social Services and were lining up Hospice.  A prayer team from my Great Aunt's church came and prayed over her and with us.  After they left and before the Hospice nurse arrived, Mom passed away.

It happened so fast.  We thought we at least had a few days.  We had no idea we had minutes.
We had no idea it would happen like this. She went peacefully with my brother and I at her side talking to her.

We greatly appreciate your prayers during this time and for months to come.  I worry about my niece and nephew and them forgetting her.  Not having her there for all their big events.

Thoughts as I Approach 40

You know when you are young . . . you dream about your future and make plans and/or set goals.  I remember thinking I would meet my Mr. Right during college, marry soon after graduation, and have at least one, if not two, children by the age of 30 or 35, at the latest.  I figured I'd teach at the same school where I was first hired and stay there until retirement. By the time I was to turn 40, I would be happily married with a great little family and working with a great group of people. My home would have a library and an office, and it would be filled with love.  I think I thought that was God's plan for me, but I have learned that God had a different plan.  However, I worry that I have sabotaged God's plan and how my life has turned out has really been more about my choices than His.  

Have you seen Under the Tuscan Sun?  Toward the end, she is feeling low, and her friend reminds her that when she bought the house, she wanted to do three things with the hoe.  She wanted to raise a family, host a wedding, and one other thing I have forgotten.  The things she wanted, she did receive, but they weren't for her personally. (She was helping her friend raise her child, and she hosted the wedding of the neighbor girl and young man who worked on her home.) That is the revelation I have had this week as I approach my 40th birthday.

I have no Mr. Right.  Yeah, I haven't met him yet (that I know of), and maybe I am not meant to marry. I keep talking to God about this.

I have no children of my own, but God allowed me to be extremely involved in the lives of my nephew and niece the first 11 & 9 years of their lives.  Years, experiences, and memories I will treasure always. Experiences I miss. Through them, I got to enjoy school programs and parties, extra curricular activities, coming home to the open arms and smiling faces of two amazing cuties, and so much more. Not one experience or opportunity did I take for granted.

I didn't stay at the first school where I was hired.  No, I changed schools/districts my 2nd year, and during my 10 years there, I met some of the most amazing people who helped sculpt me into who I am as an educator and person. I went on to get my Masters and Doctorate, which had me meeting many more amazing people, and this led me to a district position that taught me a lot, gave me many new experiences, and continued to sculpt me into the educator I am. State and district decisions led me to a life changing decision that led me to another school and new experience that has stretched me and taught me even more.  Who knows where my professional life will end up? I do have to say . . . the experiences that I have had and the people I have met . . . I never would have dreamed.

I live in a home that I absolutely love in a town I love, even though I hate that it is growing so much, and yes, I do have a library and office space.  :-)

I've buried loved ones and purchased cemetery plots, which is something that truly impacts you.

I have two friends who are with me through everything, no matter the event, time of day, or insanity.  I have amazing co-workers, present and past, and another set of friends I could call on if needed. I have a family that loves me. I have a roof over my head and income each month.

Is my life where I expected it to be when I turned 40?  Nope.  Is it better? I don't know about better, but it is the life that has made me the person I am . . . for better or worse.

Another thought . . .

What makes a great birthday?  I see more and more people making it a birthday weekend or birthday week.  Others go on big trips.  Me? Yeah, I go to work and maybe dinner.  I have no idea what I would even want to do. I guess for me, I am here to live it, and I get to see some special people (maybe not all of them, but some), and the day ends up being pretty OK. I think I will ponder this a little longer.

Mom and Aunt Darlene took me to dinner and enjoyed gluten free cupcakes with me.  Thanks, ladies!

(We laughed hysterically as we tried to take selfies with a digital camera (not a phone).)

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day!  Do you have any traditions to celebrate?

I think we always gave Mom a card, maybe a gift, and we either went to lunch or dinner or my dad grilled.  Because Granny lived so close, we always included her in our celebration, and when my brother married and my nephew and then niece were born, my brother, sister-in-law, and the kids were included.

This year is a little different.  This will be our first Mother's Day without Granny, and I know this is weighing on my mother.  This has been a very hard year for Mom.  1. Due to her medical needs, she has been hospitalized several times and is now on oxygen full time.  2. My brother chose to move his family 5 hours away.  For almost 11 years, she kept my niece and nephew when my brother and sister-in-law worked, and they lived with us for several years.  Her whole life was devoted to them.  In June, her whole life changed when they moved.  3.  And now, she has lost her mother, after being her full time caretaker the three months leading up to her death.

Yesterday, Mom wanted to go over to Granny's house to continue going through things and clean.  We worked in the master bedroom where we found every card Granny received between 2001 and 2004.  I know people keep a few special cards through the years.  Mom has some in her dresser drawer, but Granny kept every card.  Who does that? She had notebooks with clear sheets containing two cards each.  I'm not sure how many there were, but we went through several notebooks looking at each card. It was fun looking at how my niece and nephew signed their names as infants and toddlers.  They were budding writers.  :-)

We then went to the cemetery to check on Granny's name plate.  It was our first time back since the funeral.

I wish I could do something to make this a wonderful Mother's Day, but I think we will just use this one to process all that has happened and make it a low key kind of day.  We'll have lunch and dinner together.  She will open a present from my niece and nephew and a card from me.  We'll just relax throughout the day.

My mom is one of the strongest people I know.  She has handled all her loss and life's ups and downs with strength and grace.  She doesn't let it all get her down or stop her in her tracks.  She continues to do what she can--running the highway to see her grandchildren, fighting her medical needs to get back on her feet, and getting up everyday to do what she can to take some of the work off of me.  Yesterday, I mowed our nearly two acres.  She didn't want me to be outside alone, so she sat on the porches and watched.  While I was in the back acre, she moved her portable oxygen tank around the yard while she weedeated.  Who does that?  My mom!

I love my mom immensely and greatly appreciate all she has done for me--her support, encouragement, time, spirit, the skills she has taught me, everything and so much more!
Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Happy Mother's Day to my sister-in-law, who has given me the most amazing niece and nephew ever.  What amazing young people they are!

Happy Mother's Day to my two dearest friends, who are amazing Moms with the stresses of full time jobs, and so much more.  You are great role models for your children!

Happy Mother's Day to my co-workers, who are in different stages of parenting and have taught me how to handle both stages with energy and grace.

Happy Mother's Day, everyone!