Happy 2019!

Wow!  Time sure has flown since I last posted.  If I don't create posts and backdate them, which I still might, my last post was in July 2017. There was one that year.  The last one before that was in mid to late 2016.

Well, I can tell you why I was a little busy in 2018 to write and publish.  I GOT MARRIED!

I will probably go back and create a post about that and the other major events leading up to my wedding.

One of my best friends, Jill Culmo, has started a new blog, Dr. Jill Reads.  I have always admired her for her reading.  As a child, she would read constantly. That wasn't me. I do enjoy reading, and I love sharing books, but she has such a passion, thirst for reading.

The first post of her new blog is what has led me here today.  For those who truly, truly know me, they know that I don't write or talk about things that make me too emotional.  Well, Jill's Headwinds and Tailwinds: Goodbye, 2018! post has me thinking and reflecting.

Please don't think I am trying to one-up her or anything or dismissing her grief. That is not what this is.  Her reflection, her feelings, her thoughts have led me to some reflecting and thinking too. I have prayed for Jill from the day her father was diagnosed with brain cancer.  With all I've been through, I knew a little something about how the whole experience would impact her. I pray for her now and the days, weeks, months, and years to come.  I pray for her sweet children who will not grow up with their grandfather.  I know a little something about that too.

My father passed away in March 2003.  It was unexpected in a sense.  He suffered a stroke, but he seemed to be doing great.  However, almost a week later, he had another one and passed away after a surgical procedure. My nephew was 19 months old, and my niece would be born 3 months later.  Honestly, I didn't truly mourn. That hurt and was more than I wished to really endure. I threw myself into work and life with my nephew and then niece when she was born.  I just kept taking one step after another and kept going.  No time for tears or hard reflection. I just kept going. And then, b/c I was so busy, time got away from me, and life happened, and I moved forward. I found it too hard to think of Dad, but there were times I would push through to tell my niece and nephew stories so they would know him--the best I could do and say for them to know him.

Years stick with you.  I tend to dread odd years. Yes, I realize I was born in one, and my amazing niece and nephew were both born in odd years, and those are highlights on my life's path, but I have had so much loss in odd years.  My maternal grandfather in March 1995, my paternal grandmother in 1999, my paternal grandfather in 2001, Dad in March 2003, my uncle (mother's brother) in March 2005, my maternal grandmother in February 2013, and Mom in June 2015. I dread the beginning of odd years.

I'm not sure about the terms headwinds and tailwinds. I know my husband could explain them to me and help me use them here, but Jill's post and reflection in thinking in those terms has me thinking about my life's path and the events that have shaped me and gotten me to where I am today.

Family is huge to me. I was truly blessed that my brother and sister-in-law not only lived near us when my niece and nephew were young, but they lived with us for periods of time too. I LOVED this! I was a part of my niece and nephew's daily lives. Even when they didn't live with us, we had family dinner nearly every night. Coming home and them running to meet me at the door with their arms open wide truly made my day each and every day. Our lives were intertwined, and I loved it. Dance practice, soccer practice, birthday parties, Boy and Girl Scouts, and so much more--I was there.

I assumed that this would continue. Our lives would be intertwined. I would be at every sporting, dancing, and school event through their high school graduation. I was wrong. And I felt I would die with the life changes that were thrown at me.

In June 2012, my brother and his little family moved to Converse, Texas. That is 5 hours away. I was devastated. I will be honest. I did not handle this well at all.

I would cry myself to work, and I would cry myself home each day. I didn't want anyone to see me cry. Except for my closest friends and co-workers, no one knew about my mourning--mourning for what was and what I thought would be. Mourning for my changing life.

My home and life went from one of constant busyness to one of tons of free time. I liken it to death, divorce, and empty nest syndrome all at once.  Anyone is difficult, but all three at once is extremely overwhelming and an experience I don't wish on anyone.

While I tried not to show my mourning, grieving, loss, and emotions, I know this impacted my personality and emotional state. A few intuitive folks at work and around me picked up on things, but I would not be honest with them about what was going on with me. I just kept pushing forward and trying to find ways to deal with my new life, my free time, and the pain I felt knowing that the relationship I had with my niece and nephew would be forever changed and never the same or what I thought it would be.

In the midst of dealing with this huge life change and the thoughts/emotions around it, my grandmother passed away. It was not expected at all. She passed away in her sleep. This was the lady who was always there for us. She was at every school event that my parents couldn't attend due to work. She was the one whom I hung out with on my days off during college. She taught me so much. Another important figure in my life that my niece and nephew would not get to know more as they grew older. Her loss hit me hard, but again, there was too much to do to sit and grieve, so I kept going.

It took Mom and me two years to go through everything in her house. We finally got it cleared out and fixed up to rent.

Just as this was happening, my mom passed away. Completely unexpected. My world was rocked.  One of the strongest women I know was gone. Another important person my niece and nephew will not have as they grow older.

How was I to move on?

Because I had assisted Mom with the business of death after my father passed away and then again when my grandmother passed away, I had some sort of idea of what to do when Mom passed away. I put it off a few weeks, but I knew I had to do it.  With my anxiety flaring, I made the necessary phone calls and handled all I needed to handle.

By Mom passing away in June, I had all summer to grieve and mourn. I don't know that I really did or could even tell you what I did to grieve, but it was great I had the summer and did not have to go immediately back to work with the other losses in my life.

My brother and his little family moved to Shawnee, Oklahoma. While that is a little closer, only 3.5-4 hours from me, it still didn't change the family dynamics.

The whole time I was "dealing," my body was failing me. I didn't understand and maybe it is a way my body was grieving. I don't know.  It took 18 months or more to finally diagnose me with Hashimoto's, Celiac, and Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome.  I knew my body was failing me, but I didn't know what to do or where to turn. When school started, I just took step after step, fell back into a routine, and kept going. My anxiety was becoming more of a problem, and after a situation at work in March 2016, I started my own research and sought help. With the Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome diagnosis and a change in my thyroid meds, things slowly started getting better.  It still took the rest of 2016 and into the beginning of 2017 for my body to recover and for me to think somewhat straight, but my everyday life started falling into place.

With all the changes and loss, family traditions started changing too. Do you know what it is like to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas in a hotel? Hard! Emotional! I don't wish it on anyone.

Where am I going with all this? God has placed me on this path for a reason. I have had the loss and changes to get me to where I am right now.

I have learned what it takes to get through the business of death--how to talk to companies, how to draw up Wills and Power of Attorneys, how to Probate a Will, what to expect with lawyers and courts/judges, how to find a property management company to take care of my property, how to work with a funeral home and plan a funeral, how to work with Hospice and hospitals, how to help a parent leave us and cross into Heaven, and so much more.

I also know that if God had not had my brother and his family move away from us, my life would still be intertwined with theirs and I would have no time or desire to date and move on with my life. As much as it hurts, had God not taken Granny and Mom, I would be caring for them now, and again, I would not be dating or looking to move on with my life.

I still worry about my relationship with my niece and nephew and wonder where their lives will lead. I am still quite lost when it comes to dealing with family and change.

However, a great man at church asked me out to lunch, volunteered to help me replace my shed doors, help me around my house, I said I'd help him launch his boat and go fishing, and well, the rest is history. God removed so much from my life, causing great pain and uncertainty, but He gave me an amazing man who puts me first and would do anything for me, who wants to make each day of my life better, and doesn't ever want me to be alone again.

God has amazing plans for each one of us. Throughout His plan, we find the faith to keep going and to believe, and in turn, we learn and change.

I now know about so much that I wouldn't have otherwise known. I am here to assist many when needed. I am still not the best friend or person to deal with loss or grief. I struggle like so many to say and do the right thing.  In some ways, I think it is b/c of how we deal with our own loss (or if we've dealt with it).

My life was amazing and moving along swimmingly, and then, it took a huge turn. Like I said, I still have concerns and wonders, especially when it comes to my niece and nephew, but I am now happier than I ever knew possible, and I have a man to live life with, that I never thought would happen.

2018 was busy and full of change. I am looking forward to a blessed 2019 of growing as a wife and figuring out this thing called married life. M nephew graduates from high school this year, so I am looking forward to seeing what God (and life) has in store for him.

As I come to the end of this post, I know there is so much more I could say and more connections I could make. Maybe another day.

Happy 2019, everyone!

Pampered Chef, Anyone?

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When People Change . . . When It Is You

I saw this on Facebook this morning, and it has stuck with me all day.

The thing that has been on my mind is how much it hurts when it is you who has changed. Due to so much that has happened in the last year, I have changed. I do not like who I have become. I want to be the old me or a better version of the old me. Instead, I'm worse. This might be due to grief or autoimmune disease or both.

Last night, I saw that Joel Olsteen Ministries posted this on Facebook.
"God is not as concerned about our comfort as He is our purpose. We don’t always understand why things happen to us, but here’s the key: sometimes God will let us be uncomfortable now so He can bless us later on, so He can take us to a new level of our destiny."

I do not understand why everything has happened. I hate what it has done to me, how it has changed me. I always thought I would handle grief better, but it is like I haven't had control of my own actions and thoughts, no matter how hard I have tried.

God has not had me go through all that I have for me to fall a part or be a bad example/model. I just keep holding onto faith and prayer that things will get better. I just have to be patient and have faith.

Things I've Learned or Remembered in the Last Year

I love my yard right after it is mowed. Doesn't matter if I did it, a friend, or the brother of a friend. It is clean, and short, and nice.

I renewed my love of old westerns with the INSP channel. I have always loved Rifleman, Bonanza, and Big Valley, but now I love The Virginian. There were some good looking cowboy actors. They fall into the same category of good looking as George W. Bush. :-)

No matter the depth of your grief or loss, grass keeps growing, bodies still need nourishment, dishes and laundry still need to be washed, dust still needs to be controlled, groceries still have to be bought, bills still need to be paid, and life around you still goes on.

Losing someone impacts everyone differently. For some, it completely changes morning, afternoon, and evening routines.

A year that involves grief, loss, and diagnosis of Celiac, Hashimoto's, and Adrenal Fatigue Syndrome truly is life changing, especially when your body is crashing (a post for another day).

Chiggers and mosquitoes still love me, and I still strongly dislike them. They make enjoying spring, summer, and fall quite difficult.

When you have staples in your head, it is not the best idea to mow, move broken branches, or place yourself in the middle of a fight between two middle schoolers in the cafeteria at lunch.

God places people in your path to prepare you for the changes and experiences He has for you. He began making these arrangements many years ago, and I am so grateful. I have absolutely amazing family, friends, and co-workers.

It is possible to live through a year in deep brain fog. Yes, that is such a thing; some due to grief and loss, other due to autoimmune disease. Again, a post for another day.

When someone offers to prepare a meal for you or take you to eat, say, "Yes." You'll be hungry later and won't want to get up to cook or even reheat food.

While it is hard to lean on others, do it. God placed them before you b/c He knows what you need.

When someone tells you to rest, take it easy, or delegate, do it. It may hurt to let go or step back, but it is for the best. 

Relationships change.

I probably should have taken more time off this last year.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle. He pushes us, and at times, he forces change to make us change. Sometimes that is hard to accept. They say things like this happen because better things are to come. I pray they are.

Each of us carries a light within. Sometimes, that light is so dim, flickering, and unbelievably close to going out. Keep the faith. That little light will shine brightly again one day. "This little light of mine. I'm gonna let it shine."

I am not the same person I was over a year ago. I don't know that I'll ever be the old me. Our experiences shape who we become. At this point, I don't like who I am. My goal in the next year is to find bits and pieces of the old me and create a new me. With God's help, I pray I become a better person.

One Year Ago, Saying Good-bye

One year ago, at 12:58 pm, Mom crossed over into Heaven, meeting God and reuniting with so many loved ones. Those minutes leading up to her last breath were the absolute hardest thing I've ever endured and completely change a person.

During those last hours on that final morning, we met with the hospital social worker to start discussing hospice. Through everything discussed with doctors and nurses, I thought we still at least had days or even weeks. Mom and God had other ideas. We chose a Hospice, and the representative was to arrive within the hour. A prayer warrior from Friendship Baptist Church in Mesquite (an outreach church grown from the one in Pleasant Grove where Mom and Dad were married and we have so many family ties) came and prayed over her with us. I will forever be grateful. It wasn't an hour later, and Mom went to Heaven.

Mom didn't like a fuss or to change everyone's plans. She knew what she was doing, no matter how hard it hurt (and still does). A dance recital, birthday, summer camps, and work were all on the schedule, and she hated messing with everyone's schedule. 

During her last days, she received 12 bags of platelets and 3 bags of blood. Over the last 10 years, she had multiple transfusions. If ever you can, be a blood and platelet donor. 

Thank you to everyone who has prayed with and for us over this last year. We greatly appreciate you and your care & support. Keep those prayers going. Grief has no time limit.

One Year Ago, The Day Before The End

One year ago today, my brother and I listened as the doctor spoke with compassion and honesty. Despite the news, I had no idea the next day would bring the result it did. Certainly not that soon.

I am so grateful Mom talked to my niece and nephew that afternoon/evening. She was doing well. She had a hard time talking as her mouth was so dry/like cotton, but she knew exactly what was going on around her and in all our lives at that moment. She asked them about their daily and upcoming activities. She got to hear their sweet voices and knew how much they loved her, and they got the same. Oh, how she loved her grandbabies.

One Year Ago Today . . . My Life Began to Change

One year ago today, I spent the morning boxing up my office to prepare it for summer, wrapping up 18 years in public education. I grabbed a drink on the way to my summer school meeting, attended the meeting, and dropped off a big box of books & supplies I planned to use the next two weeks. I then went home to check-on Mom. She hadn't been feeling well after starting her fight against cancer again. She wasn't worried about how she was feeling, but when I got home, I overroad her wants and took her to Presbyterian Rockwall. She still insisted she was fine and didn't need a fuss. While we waited in the ER, we joked around & challenged each other to see who could read the smallest letters/row on the eye chart. Neither of us was too worried. She had handled so much in years past, so this was just one more experience. The Drs ran test and finally decided they needed to send her to Presbyterian Dallas b/c it is larger and has more resources. B/c it was evening rush hour, they decided to send her via CareFlight. 

Once I arrived in Dallas, I began working on finding a sub for my summer school class. Thanks a ton, Denel Comley, for agreeing to sub for two days before your vacation. 

Once I got to see Mom and they got her settled in ICU, she still insisted she was fine. We joked about how unfair it was she got to ride in a helicopter. We have had a lot of shared experiences, but this was one she had without me.

She was doing fine. She was tired, but she had her wits about her, knew what was going on, and was getting the medical help she needed.

The following morning, she wanted to know why I wasn't teaching summer school. She hated when people changed their plans for her. She wasn't too happy when I told her I chose to be by her side rather than summer school. 

Even though we had no answers and had no idea the outcome was going to be what it was, later in the day, without her knowing, I worked out a plan with the two ladies on the summer school sub list to cover the rest of my summer school duties. I'm so grateful they could step in and work it out. I appreciate our summer school administrator, Lisa Perry's, understanding and flexibility.

The next few days moved quickly, yet slowly. I still did not believe they would end as they did.